Angst, 'K?

I keep getting the feeling that I'm failing at some crucial thing in my life right now; that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to, or should, or could be doing to reach my best potential. I'm afflicted with a general malaise. Afflicted is the wrong word: it suggests a third party, and I suspect that I'm causing my own emotional problems, such as they are. It just seems as if my vision for the future is veiled and I can't see what I want anymore, and I don't know what might make me happier. Basically, effed up in the brain. I had two migraines today, which didn't really help.

I came to Portland in an effort to jump start some kind of ambition or will power in myself, but instead I'm just reverting to EXACTLY the way things were. I feel like I should have either stayed home and worked through my shit there (could have had a decent job, a car, been moved out by now), or really committed to moving here, stayed most of the summer, found a permanent job, committed to art school and Portland in general. This half-assed stuff isn't helping my general inability to be a real, adult person with actual decision making skills and a sense of responsibility and great work ethic and the ambition to be happy and successful, or at least figuring out what success means to me. I don't feel strongly about much of anything these days, except that I don't particularly like myself at the moment. I feel undereducated, unmotivated, too self-centered and self-pitying (hm, this probably isn't helping those last two). I want to say, well, now I recognize these things and I'll just overcome them, but the cynical part says, well, you always say that and it never happens. Vicious cycle time. I need a catalyst, but I can't wait for it, and I'm too damn scared to be my own. As per usual, there is no closure here or anywhere.

In other news, the temperature here is supposed to be in the 90s this weekend. I don't have any more school work left to do. There is a possibility that Tana will drive me & my junk to the UPS store so I don't have to have them pick up my packages from the Goose. Chubbiness factor is increasing slightly due to bad weather and general disinterest in, like, doing stuff. I will be home, for better or worse, in now less than a week.